


Crazy Cocktails

by Miramise



Series: I Get By with a Little Help from My Friends [1]
Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse), Resident Evil - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, Drinking, F/F, Gen, Humor, M/M, Piers Nivans Lives, Post RE6, Post-Canon, blink and you miss it shipping, everybody's sharing their drinks, inappropriate cocktail names, it's all Jake's fault, no beta we die like men, so germaphobes be careful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-03-29 14:07:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19021489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miramise/pseuds/Miramise
Summary: Leon wonders why he lets the people he calls friends drag him into situations like this.  A bar with the word 'lab' in the name could only mean trouble.  At least they all agreed it was Jake's fault.





	Crazy Cocktails

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to the Chreon discord server for help with info and general silliness. This is my first foray in writing for RE so, yeah, approach with caution. And take nothing about this seriously. All drink names come from [webtender.com](https://www.webtender.com/). Also, I do switch between masculine/feminine forms for brunet and blond, so that at least is not a typo. (Can't speak for anything else, though.)

Leon didn't know how he got roped into this. Really, he was fine with a bottle of Jack at home, or scotch if he was feeling classy. And certainly drinking alone was okay after the hell they all went through barely a year ago. Yet somehow, between Sherry, Helena, and Claire all ganging up on him, he'd been dragged out with them to celebrate Piers return.

Not that it wasn't worth celebrating. Nobody expected to see him again, yet the infection kept him alive enough for another BSAA unit to find and rescue him. Thanks to Jake's blood and Rebecca's expertise, most of the infection had been reversed, with minimal scarring to boot. Jake said that was good; Chris was the only ugly jarhead they needed. The captain was too busy hugging Piers into a coma—Claire's words—to bother sniping back.

All well and good, but Leon was still confused on why he had been badgered to join them. Not that he wasn't happy to know Piers had been saved, but he wasn't particularly close. Then again, neither was Helena for that matter, which he pointed out when he argued against coming.

"It's not just about that," she told him. "It's the main point, of course, but also a 'thank fuck we all made it' group, according to Jake."

It had been on the tip of Leon's tongue to remind her of how many _didn't_ make it, but he shut himself down on that. And with no other argument, he grudgingly agreed to join them for drinks at some bar Jake apparently knew.

And oh how he was fast regretting that.

"And just _where_ did you find _this_ place at, Jake?" Sherry folded her arms over her chest to glare at the redhead. Her scowl rolled right off his back as he smirked at the rest of them.

"What's wrong with it? I've been here lots of times. Any time I'm in the area, I try to stop off here."

Leon, Helena, and Piers were just squinting at the name. Chris gave into the urge to slap his palm to his face. Claire's mouth twisted slightly, in humor or exasperation was difficult to say.

"You don't think a place called 'Absinthe Hell Lab' might be—oh, I dunno—a little _inappropriate_ to go to for Piers rescue party?"

As one, the group looked at the garish, neon green sign glowing above a glass door. They could see a white hall that did look too much like a lab hall for their comfort. Jake glanced at that with a wince, hands sliding into his back jean pockets.

"Okay, so not the best name for a bar—" he ignored the "No shit" mumbled under Chris's breathe "—but that's only the first hall. Soon as you turn the corner, it's about as much of a lab as my bike is a limo. It'll be fine."

Leon didn't say anything as he watched some of the people going inside. A few looked like they were coming from a rave party. Some fit in better with a few biker gangs he knew. And others were more casual, similar to how their own group were dressed in varying jeans and tops. "Varied clientele," he remarked.

Jake waved a hand. "No dress code," he explained. "We're cool. And it's so out of the way you kind of have to know it's here to bother with it."

"Great and all, but why are _we_ here?" Sherry's no nonsense voice spoke up, despite being largely ineffective.

"Simple, supergirl. Two words: cocktail roulette." Seeing the blank faces staring back at him, Jake sighed about stick-ectomies and agents before explaining. "Any cocktail you can think of, no matter how bizarre the name, they can make. And if they can make it, you have to drink it. You win by either naming something they _can't_ make, or else the _weirdest_ named drink wins."

Sherry could feel a small tick in her eye at Jake's tone. "By weird, you mean dirty, don't you?"

"Your words not mine, supergirl."

Claire's mouth twitched again, this time definitely humored. "You know what? I'm game, but needs to be worth my while." She ignored the mild glare she could feel from her brother. Honestly, they all needed to lighten up a little.

"Heh. Your on, smaller field." Jake smirked and pulled out a twenty. "Put your money up if you don't mind losing it." His smile grew when Claire slapped a matching twenty into his hand.

"This sounds like a terrible idea." Helena shook her head a few times. Her lips slowly tilted up. "I'm in." She pulled a twenty from her wallet and handed it over. It wasn't long before everyone but Leon had put their money into the pot. When they turned to him, Claire offered a sympathetic look.

"Hey, not like you have to—"

"What, the hero doesn't know any cocktails?" This earned Leon a side look from the younger man. "Eh, makes sense. You're probably a scotch or rum kind of guy, right?"

Through effort, Leon kept himself from reacting. Once again people were making assumptions about him. (And he hated rum.) Without a sound, he pulled his wallet from his jacket and handed over a twenty. Claire and Sherry were still giving him a sympathetic look, while Helena's was more thoughtful. He couldn't see what expressions the others wore as Jake whooped and all but crashed through the door, the rest following at a more sedate, less insane pace.

   _'Just what have I gotten myself into?'_

**~~~~~**

Jake had been right; the inside of the bar was as far from a lab as one could get, and still be on the planet. The motley decorations varied as much as the patrons. It seemed partly a club, but too few lights and too much wood to qualify. Glow sticks laid on any surface that didn't have a drink on it. An area had a few people dancing together near some speakers, but not enough to crowd out the ones who only wanted to drink.

They found a table in a back corner big enough to accommodate them. Jake slapped the money in the center of the table and grabbed a nearby glow stick to put on top of it, then quickly waved a server over. Grinning, he was about to jump in when Sherry held up a hand.

"We need to lay down some rules so nobody dies from accidental alcohol poisoning. Some of us can't drink our weight in liquor, you know."

They looked at each other, then Helena spoke up. "Three rounds," she offered. "If we haven't come up with a cocktail they can't make, then we pick the worst name after the third round."

"Sounds fair," agreed Piers. "Though should we give the captain a handicap? I mean, I really can't see him making any weird orders."

"Handicap?" Helena looked confused, while Jake was about to argue before Claire stepped in.

"Oh, don't worry. Chris got into some crazy shit when he was younger—"

"That is going to remain unsaid if you don't want pictures of your goth phase online," Chris finished. She visibly cringed at the threat and kept quiet, despite Jake, Sherry, and Piers all badgering her for both the stories and the pictures.

"Not a chance," was all she told them. "Anyway, if anyone needs a handicap—"

"Can we get this started?" If everyone continued to imply that he wasn't cut out for this, then Leon was ready for the night to be over.

"Fine, hero. I'll start." Jake grinned up at the server. The woman—Leon pegged her as early thirties—had dark hair done in a bun so tight it looked painful. She wore a politely neutral expression as she held her notepad.

"Ready to order?"

The expression on Jake's face was positively gleeful. "I'll have an Alien Nipple."

Piers choked on air before laughing, while Sherry and Chris both shook their heads. Claire grinned and went next.

"Urine Sample."

Sherry's grossed out look had Jake and Helena cracking up. When she calmed down, the brunette placed her order next, followed by Piers, Sherry, then Chris.

"Gates of Hell."

"A Naked Navel."

"The Neighter Teighter."

"Pinky Colinky Dinky." Leon had no idea how Chris got that out with a straight face, while Claire and Piers cackled on either side of the captain. Jake folded his arms on the table to hide his face and muffle his laughter. Smiling, Helena gestured for Leon to order, but he waved a hand.

"Screwdriver, two-to-one juice to vodka."

The others booed or groaned at the choice.

"If you wanted to just give us money, you should've said so," complained Jake. "That's not even trying."

Leon didn't bother arguing. He knew his order was a conservative choice. He shrugged it off and turned to their server. Without batting an eye, the server repeated the order back to them.

"That's one Alien Nipple, a Urine sample, Gates of Hell, a Naked Navel, the Neighter Teighter, one Pinky Colinky Dinky, and a two-to-one screwdriver. Is that correct?"

Leon glanced around the table to see everyone trying to contain giggles and snickers. He muttered about their maturity and turned to their server.

"That's correct. Oh, and a glass of ice water with the screwdriver, please."

Nodding, the server scribbled the addition on her pad. "Alright, I'll be back with your order, asap." She left the group, who quickly and loudly descended into shrieks and wild guffaws. Leon himself simply rolled his eyes at the lot of chortling idiots.

"I'm sure she's had to take worse orders," he said when the noise died down.

"H-how can anyone-anyone repeat that with a straight face?" wheezed Claire. "Just, can't even. I can't."

"I wanna know where bigger field got his drink from," Jake managed between cackles. Chris waved his hand.

"S.T.A.R.S. We had a lot of stupid dares on our down time." Claire heard the wistful tone and patted her brother's arm.

"I'm sure Jill has more than a few stories for me if I ask nicely."

"Jill is a lying liar who lies, and that's all I'm saying to that."

Claire and Piers leaned behind Chris's back to share a conspiratorial grin. They were _so_ going to talk to Jill later.

Helena cocked her head in Claire's direction. "And what about you, Miss Urine Sample?" She and Jake couldn't help laughing again at Sherry's expression.

"What can I say? Even though I wasn't there for long, I learned a lot in college."

"All well and good," Leon cut in, "but there's another part of this _game_ that some of you forgot."

Sherry clamped a hand over Jake's mouth, knowing anything he was about to say would have been insulting. "What's that, Leon?"

The older agent inclined his head to their returning server. "Now we have to _drink_ these things."

Jake pushed Sherry's hand away, grinning while the server placed their respective drinks in front of them. "Didn't forget, hero. Hell, that's the best part. I say we share. I'm interested in what agent hot pants is drinking."

"Back off, I saw her first," declared the younger Redfield. The group whistled and cheered at Helena, who couldn't hide the pleased flush on her face.

"Okay, you staked your claim, but what about the drink?" Jake's eyed the drink long enough for Helena to slide it over. With a whoop, he snagged it and took a swallow. A half second later found the redhead coughing up a storm. "Damn, what the _fuck_ is in that?"

The brunette offered a lazy shrug. "Tequila, lemon and lime juice, and cherry brandy."

"Tequila and cherry brandy, in the same glass?" Jake stared at her for a long second. "That shit ain't right."

Sherry nearly laughed in Jake’s face as she passed her drink over to Piers. He took a sip, licking the taste on his lips as his eyes glanced back at her.

"Gin and cream soda." The drink was passed back to Sherry. "Not too wild, I know."

Piers shook his head and reassured the blonde. "No no, it's really good. I'll have to remember that for myself."

The two Redfields faced off and slowly exchanged their drinks. Eyes locked, they each took a sip, and instantly sputtered.

"Oh _blegh_ , I hate licorice!"

"Ugh, I think that sucked all the water out of my body." Claire swapped the drinks back with a hard glare at Chris's glass. "Something with that goofy-cute of a name should not taste like that."

"Says the person drinking something that tastes like liquid licorice. No thanks. Hey, Leon, could I—" Chris made the saddest puppy eyes he could muster, though he knew Leon and Sherry had everyone else beat when it came to that. Leon isn't the least bit fooled, and rolls his own eyes before sliding his water towards Chris. "Thanks, man! Need to get that taste out."

"Least some of us have taste," Claire muttered. She reaches for her glass, only for Jake to switch it out with his and take a sip.

"Not bad, smaller field. I could get use to it."

Claire gestured towards her fellow redhead. "See, Jake knows a good drink when he tastes it."

Leon lifted an eyebrow. Turning to Claire, he asked, "You sure you want to have your choices supported by the guy who brought us here in the first place?"

The younger Redfield opened her mouth, paused, then closed it again. "...point."

"Hey!"

"Hush, Jake." Sherry tilted her head to the glass in front of Claire. "Are you going to try Jake's drink?"

A quick shrug was the answer. Claire swiped the drink and took a sip. "Is this a cocktail or a dessert drink?"

"Don't knock the Alien Nipple." Jake took his drink back to float it in Leon's direction. "Whatcha say, Kennedy? Gonna give it a shot?"

The blond shook his head, feeling his bangs cover his right eye a little more. "Nah, I'm good. We still have two more rounds, after all."

Leon ignored the cluck sound, as well as the hissed "Jake!" from Sherry. "So," he wondered, "what happens with the pot?"

Jake paused in emptying his drink. He 'hmm'ed a moment, then yanked another twenty from his pocket. "They made all out cocktails, like I said. So up the stakes."

The group all pulled out another twenty each, with Leon adding his last and with a large amount of exasperation. _'Really, these children...'_ He wrapped long fingers around his own glass and knocked the vodka and juice back. He sent a mental thank you to the bartender for making it even weaker than Leon ordered. _'I'd better leave an excellent tip for that.'_

They finished off their drinks, some (Jake, Helena, Chris) drank theirs off faster than others (Claire, Sherry, Piers). Leon didn't pay much attention to know who finished first; it wouldn't matter anyway. He knew more than one of them would be wasted before this game ended.

"Hey, we're ready for round two over here." Jake gestured wildly at their server. She returned, polite-neutral face in full force.

"What can I get for you?"

"Let's go with Jen's Creamy Sighs this round." Jake could barely contain his glee as their server jotted it down. They follow the same order as the last round, with Claire ordering after Jake.

"Pink Beaner." At Chris's look, she snorted with her arms crossing her chest. "You had your pink last round, so now it's my turn."

"Fair enough."

Helena waited for the exchange to end before placing her order. "Paralyzer #1." The wary glances and subtle shifting away from her left the brunette tilting her head. "What?"

"You're kind of scary," mumbled Piers. He cleared his throat and focused on his drink order. "Eenytini."

Sherry only just kept herself from squealing. "That sounds _adorable_." The blonde leaned as far forward in her seat as the table let her. "You have to tell me where you got that one from."

"I'm more wondering if he's trying to say somethin—"

"Shut up, Jake." The admonishment, from six people no less, held a slight echo past their table. Jake appeared not the least bit perturbed.

"You're up, supergirl."

"Wha—oh, right." She lifted a hand to stroke blond strands away from her temple. "I know! I'll have a PB&J."

Leon couldn't help but wonder if it were an actual drink, or if Sherry was hungry. He was about to ask if she wanted him to pick something up, but pulled back when Piers asked the question running through Leon's mind.

"Is that really a cocktail?"

"Mm-hmm! Not a lot of places make it, so I thought I could use that one to stump them."

"Something tells me," Piers said with a nod towards their server, "that's not going to be a problem here." Sherry's jaw dropped at seeing the server jotting down Sherry's order.

"Well, dang."

Chris's elbow landed on the table, his chin resting on his knuckles. "Guess they really _can_ make any cocktail here." He smiled at their server. "Yellow Bellied Sap Sucker." He expected his sister to snark at him for that, and she didn't disappoint.

"What, are you ordering all the colors of the rainbow? I know about gay pride, but I don't have to literally drink it." She paused when Sherry slapped her hand _painfully_ hard over Jake's mouth. Claire mentally rewound what she said, giving Sherry an understanding nod once she did. "Okay, yeah, I was asking for it, but thanks for not letting him say anything."

For the who-knew-how-many time that night, Leon wondered how he let himself get dragged into this. He opted to ignore them as he placed his own order.

"Citrus coke. And another ice water." After quick look around the table, he added, "Better just bring a pitcher. Some of them are going to need it." He ignored the boos and someone (probably Jake) saying 'You're not my dad!'. Leon twirled a finger near his temple to indicate the mental capacity of the idiots surrounding him. The server continued to smile, though Leon noticed an ever fleeting uptick to her lips. He considered that a victory.

"So for this round we have one Jen's Creamy Sigh, a Pink Beaner, Paralyzer #1, an Eenytini, one PB&J, a Yellowed Bellied Sap Sucker, and one Citrus Coke. Is that correct?"

In his peripheral Leon could see Chris slinging his arms around both Claire and Piers. The younger Redfield laughed as she tugged Helena close as well. Sherry was busy trying to corral Jake, who talked the blonde into a game of thumb wars. In that moment Leon felt every year of his life hit him all at once.

   _'I shouldn't be here.'_

He could only muster a wan smile to their server now, too tired for much else. "Yes, that's it. Thanks."

"Not a problem. I'll be back with your drinks soon." A click of her pen saw the server off to collect their strange order. Leon turned back to the table to wonder if he could duck into the bathroom an escape through the window. He nixed the idea immediately. It would have been a dick move to Piers, who didn't deserve it, and Leon was certain Sherry would be hurt if he took off without so much as a goodbye.

_'Grin and bear it,'_ he told himself. The blond agent let his eyes fall on a random wall decoration without really looking at it. Leon didn't know how long he drifted in that state, the sound of his friends laughter fading into the background.

He didn't notice the worried glance passed between Redfields, or how Chris's eyes grew soft in concern at the blond's silence. Before he or Claire called out to Leon, their server came back and set the drinks down in front of them, effectively snapping Leon back from wherever his mind traveled to.

"Okay my fellow sluts, pass 'em around."

"Slut yourself," snorted Helena. She hid a tiny smirk when Jake went for her glass first, forgetting his experience with her previous drink. That proved to be a throat burning mistake that left him wheezing in his chair.

"What— _kaff_ —what the **fuck** is in that? Are you trying to kill me, hot pants?"

"Not a lot, and not at all." She ticked the ingredients off on her fingers. "Tequila, vodka, Kahlua, cream—usually light—and Coke."

Something akin to horror showed on Jake's face, while to the brunette's left, Claire nodded in admiration.

"Nice. My baby can go hard." She gleefully accepted the glass when Helena pushed it towards her. "Thanks!"

Disgruntled noises rumbled from Jake's section. "That's just wrong. You hurt Coke's feelings." He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. "So mean. What did Coke ever do to you?"

"Quit anthropomorphizing soda and pass yours over." Piers was the one to grab Jake's drink this time and took a sip, followed by a deeper pull. "Okay, I agree with Claire. Jake's drinking dessert."

"Screw you. I thought I had 'em with that one is all."

"Keep telling yourself that." Piers leaned around him to smile at Sherry. "Mind if I try yours?"

"Sure! But it might not be much better than Jake's far as sweet goes." She pushed her glass towards the former agent, who nods his thanks before taking a sip. Piers stopped, giving the drink a wide-eyed look.

"This... this really does remind me of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

"No way." The glass appeared in Jake's hand a second later. Piers blinked over this as Muller had the drink on his lips. "Damn, supergirl, where'd you find this at?"

A faint blush dusted Sherry's cheeks; Leon felt his fatherly ire on the rise until she explained. "I got to know some of the lab techs when I was younger, and one of them gave me the recipe on the promise I'd only try it someplace I was legal."

"So when you turned 21?"

"Hah! Drinking age differs around the world, you know." Sherry shot her eyes over to Leon, knowing he was sporting 'stern fatherly disapproval look' number forty-three by her guess. She smiled back rather cheekily, to which blue eyes rolled, though he gave her a faint smile of his own.

"Remind me to talk to the lab techs when I get back," he mentioned.

"I'm putting it in my invisible calendar." The younger agent turned back to Piers. "I want to try yours! I didn't think drinks could sound cute without an innuendo."

"Still think he's saying something," Jake muttered, which the rest of them ignored. Piers slid his drink to Sherry, who took a moment to admire the color

"It's so pretty!" Sipping the purple drink, Sherry licked the flavor on her lips. "Not too strong, and a little fruity—no, bad Jake!" Sherry didn't hesitate, slapping her hand over Jake's mouth once more, much to the appreciation of the rest of the group. The table gave her an impromptu applause. Jake's scowl did little to quell any of them.

"It's official, Sherry is the Jake wrangler." Chris turned away from the spectacle to find his sister staring him down. He returned the look as they both swapped their drinks, tasting the exchange at the same time, with similar reactions of utter disgust.

"That tastes like confusion," Chris complained. "And I think my lips are going numb."

"Ugh, someone hand me a lemon. I need something _sweet_ to get the sour out." Claire quickly shook her head when Helena expressed interest in Chris's drink. "Babe, trust me, your lips will try and hide up inside your skull to get away from the sour."

"I'll take your word for it." It took a second for Helena to catch Sherry's eyes, then incline her head towards Leon. Sherry caught on quick and waved a hand to get his attention.

"Hey, Leon?"

"Hmm?" Helena scooped up his drink ss soon as he turned towards the other blonde. "Hey—!" He swiped it back, but not fast enough to stop the quick splash on her tongue. She side-eyed Leon hard when she processed the taste.

"Is there even alcohol in that?"

Leon forced down a groan of irritation from the question, and another when the rest of the group glanced in his direction. " _Yes_ , there is." He pulled his drink closer in case anyone else got the bright idea to steal it from him. "It's a two-to-one Coke and Bacardi Limon. Jeeze."

"Hey, let the hero be." Before Leon could thank Jake for the support, the younger made the mistake to keep talking, "I mean if he wants to order wimpy, boring drinks and give us his money, I'm not gonna complain."

   _'Do not call for an airstrike on the bar, Kennedy. You might regret it. And Hunnigan would be ticked.'_

"In case it's escaped your notice," the words were bit out from behind clenched teeth, "I'm going to have to get back to my place on my own, so I'd like to make sure I'm not so out of it that I wind up telling the driver to take me to Azusa or something."

Everybody paused. Slowly, one by one, sheepish looked flashed over their faces as they realized he was right. Helena and Claire were going back to Claire's place. Jake and Sherry were an obvious match since she was the only one to keep him on track. And everyone assumed Piers would stay at Chris's.

"I didn't think about that," Sherry admitted. Her eyes roamed over the table until they landed on Piers. "Hey, Piers could come with me and Jake, then Chris could help Leon to his place."

The captain sputtered, but Piers seemed surprisingly amicable to the idea. "I don't mind, so long as it's not a problem with space or anything."

Jake considered it and waved away Piers concern. "Eh, no biggie. It's more Sherry's place anyway; there's room. Besides," he grinned in Leon's direction, getting a narrow-eyed glare in return, "I want to see what Mr. Hero orders when he's not holding back."

"I think it's a great idea," Claire agreed. "And Leon's got space too, so Chris wouldn't have to worry about getting back to his place until he's more sober."

Said Redfield didn't hide the annoyance at Claire making decisions without getting any input. "Way to ask me about that before volunteering my services, brat." Not that he had any real issue with it. The plan was more than doable, and he didn't think Leon would mind. Though a quick look in the blond's direction made Chris wonder if he might be mistaken in that regard. "Leon?"

"Chris is right. You shouldn't force me on him just for the sake of—"

"Whoa, hey, that's not it!" Chris held his hands up, shaking his head back and forth. "Nobody's forcing anything. And it would be safer for none of us to go on our own if we've all been drinking." He gestured towards Claire to further explain. "I'm just reminding her to wait for me to speak up first. I don't have a problem with it, Leon."

It all sounded reasonable, but Leon still hesitated. Only at Sherry's quiet, "Please, Leon?" did the he relent.

"Fine. One last round, I order whatever. You get me home because once I'm through I'm not going to be able to." Without any further prompting, Leon finished his drink and slapped the glass haphazardly on the table. He pulled one more twenty out and placed it with the rest of the money.

Jake barked out a laugh. "Finally. Alright, chumps! Hurry up and finish, so I can take your money!" He practically slammed is drink back, the others doing likewise with only slightly more restraint. Soon as everyone had added their portion into the pot, Jake motioned for their server once last time.

"What can I get for you?"

Jake dived in with both feet and the confidence of a sure win. "Booty Juice."

"Is anyone surprised by this?" Helena wondered, mostly to herself. Jake merely grinned.

"It's either they can't make it, or weirdest name wins. Either way, I got this."

"Hmm." Helena gave it some thought. "Screaming Purple Jesus."

Claire cackled loudly while Jake sputtered from his spot. "Awesome. Really, just glorious. _But_ ," she added, eyes twinkling while her face screamed mischief, "I think I have to top you."

Helena couldn't hide the slight flush, even if she wanted to. She didn't. "Promise?"

"Hah! That way too." Claire smiled at their server. "Echo Hemoraging Tumor."

"What! No, dammit!" Jake flopped in his seat. "Damn, smaller field. You might take it after all."

"Shouldn't ever underestimate Claire," Sherry warned him a little late. "Um, ah, a Hershey Squirts," she ordered and could instantly feel all eyes on her. "Hey, I'm not some innocent damsel, you know!" There was no stopping the blush when Jake guffawed on the side of her. "Jake!"

"I have so much new material to work with now, supergirl."

Piers shifted slightly around Jake to offer his sympathies. "How do you put up with him again?"

"I ask myself that all the time," Sherry confessed, already mourning the new batch of teasing Jake would subject her to.

"Ri~ight." Pier's fingers idly tapped the table. "Hmm. Let's try a Quantum Theory." He sighed as he saw their server writing the order down as she had everyone else's. "Damn, I thought that would stump them." He smiled as the weight of Chris's hand rested on the smaller brunet's shoulder.

"Maybe next time, Piers. Hey, they'll probably have mine, too." The captain gave his order next. "Sip and Get Funky."

A smack on the table sounded where Jake let his hand fall. "Didn't think you had it in you, bigger field, color me proud."

Claire batted her eyes. "I'm just surprised it wasn't another drink with a color in the name."

"Didn't seem to help me, though." The captain nodded to where the server wrote down his order.

A simple shrug was Jake's answer. "Told you, they know it all." He shifted his weight closer to Leon. "Alright, hero. Let's see what happens when you cut loose. Though gotta admit, I don't think you're in the running any more."

The rest of the group more or less couldn't help agreeing with Jake.

That was fine; Leon was more than used to being underestimated, even by his friends. "Are you guys sure about this? Getting me home and all, I mean?"

"Yes, yes," Claire thumbed towards her brother. "He's got you covered. Order so I can collect, already."

A smile. Small, almost unnoticeable. One had to look for it to know it was there; an angel's smile. Had Ashley Graham been with them, she would have scooped up the pot and handed it over to Leon, no questions asked. But she wasn't, and the others had no way of knowing just what they were about to unleash.

"Okay, then."

That tiny smile grew ever so slightly. Leon turned towards the server. Being in her profession, she was more perceptive than most. At that moment, her pen wavered in her hand.

"I'd like Sex on My Face, with a Slippery Dick, On My Ass, then a Sloe Comfortable Screw against The Wall, followed with Screaming Multiple Orgasm on the Beach, and top it off with Cum in a Hot Tub."

A pervasive silence roared in the wake of the salacious and indisputably, most downright sheer _filth_ uttered by any of them that night. More than one jaw unhinged, several pairs of eyes frozen in place to gaze on the angel that brought their alcoholic damnation to unimagined reality. It seemed the shock would continue forever, until the server spoke up.

"Um, w-we don't have that one." Her voice quavered with those blank stares slowly turned on her. "The, um, t-the Sex on My Face. That's not... we've never had that order before."

As one the group looked back to Leon, whose tiny smile never wavered nor faded. At last, Jake closed his mouth, solemnly gathered all the money on the table, and slid it over to Leon.

"...he wins."

**~~~~~**

Leon patiently told the server how to make the drink. ("Half ounce each of Yukon Jack, Malibu rum, Southern Comfort, and banana liqueur, along with a splash each of cranberry, pineapple, and orange juice." "In the same _glass_?!" "Shut up, Jake.") The server nodded, though obviously perturbed as she went to fill the order. On her return, Leon held everyone's gaze as he calmly emptied each glass in the order he made. When he finished the Cum in a Hot Tub—which resembled the real thing a little too much for some of their comfort—the agent licked his lips clean and stared at the lot of them.

"Now unless one of you—at least that I'd let—plan on taking me up on the offer, I think it's time we go home while we can all still walk."

They turned to one another, unable to speak and further blindsided by how the DSO agent finished all his drinks. The confused calm shattered upon Claire and Piers both shrieking when Chris dived over the table. In one fluid motion, slapped his part of the tab on the table, threw Leon over his shoulder, and ran straight out the bar. The ones left blinked in the emptiness that followed.

"Huh, I guess bigger field ordered the Sexy Blue Eyed Boy to go."

"...shut up, Jake."

**Author's Note:**

> Jake can't call anyone by their real name. I'm convinced of this. Some nicknames inspired by [textsfromthebsaa](https://textsfromthebsaa.tumblr.com/). I also know I set this up for a bit of smut, and all I can say is _maybe_. I'm rusty as hell with writing so it may take a bit in that regards. In any case, thank you for reading!


End file.
